Update 2/11/17: I almost took this down today because it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever published. Fortunately, we all do weird things sometimes and that’s probably a good thing to remember so I’ll keep it here for your increased enjoyment and my decreased pride.
In the late 1950’s something subtly incredible happened that would revolutionize the Thanksgiving feast forever. Robert Taira, a Hawaiian baker with revolutionary dreams, opened King’s Hawaiian Bakery.
I don’t believe anyone, even King Taira himself, could foresee the impact his creation would have on the world. But today it’s clear.
King’s Hawaiian sweet rolls are the real heroes of the Thanksgiving feast. The spectacular headliner for a meal full of adequate second tier foods. Without them, Thanksgiving is simply another average holiday. On par with Groundhogs Day, Arbor Day and the like.
People go wild over turkeys and their favorite casseroles, but I think if we’re honest we know these dishes are simply an excuse. I get up for seconds just so I feel comfortable grabbing another roll or ten.
In fact, Thanksgiving (for me) has really just become an unspoken competition (with myself) to eat the highest quantity of rolls possible without everyone else noticing I’ve had more than one or two.
So today I’m proposing a new holiday. Kingsgiving.
I know it’s the eleventh hour and everyone is already enroute to your house with casserole dishes in hand. So here’s 4 steps to rescue today’s meal and create a day of dough-filled excitement:
- Call Aunt Sarah. Tell her to leave the thrice-baked cranberry casserole crap at home. You actually just need her to bring a pack of Hawaiian Rolls.
- Call Uncle Jeff. Make up a good excuse as to why you really don’t need any of his “world-famous” Mashed Potatoes this year (you suspect he uses one of those cardboard flake boxes anyway). Instead, you really just need a package of sweet rolls, preferably King’s Hawaiian.
- Call Grandma Claire. “We all decided to go on a diet and can’t eat your pumpkin pie this year, but we could use some more carbohydrates at the table.” “Oh you’ve got a recipe for bread pudding? Sounds great, just hold the pudding.”
- Repeat as necessary.
When everyone arrives, watch as they marvel at your genius plan. The only thing they’ll have to be thankful for on this day is you.
For once in your life,you will be the hero.
As the whole family happily forgets the lesser holiday they used to celebrate today, they will revel in this new day where Turkeys roam free and grains surge through our collective bloodstreams. No more arguing, no passive aggressive tension across the dinner table.
Just a happy family collectively high on sweet gluten.
Everybody’s mouths too full to talk politics or current events.
Peace and joy overflowing from the dining room.
Nobody asking why you’re still single.
Today can be that day.
I believe in a better future, let’s roll there together.